Today I skipped a class, slept in, paid rent, and played some Minecraft. Next I have to do homework, have some dinner, take a nap and go to work.
My ex used to make me feel bad for not working out. My current boyfriend does too, but in a different way. Times like this I kind of wish I could just be anorexic or magically skinny. Prozac makes it so that these feelings don’t make me so suicidal. The thoughts are still there, but not the feelings associated with it, which is good I guess except that now I don’t know what to do. I just keep living in this state of dissatisfaction, every day over and over, and I can see that sooner or later I’m going to open my eyes and I’m going to be 28 years old starting a family and wondering why I didn’t get skinny while I could or have fun while I could or spend recklessly while I could. I want to feel young again and I’m not even old yet. I turn 21 in less than a month.
Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to be good enough. I need to be good enough for me. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost my perseverance. I used to do photoshoots at midnight with a friend just for fun with whatever we had on hand. Now I have the desire to create but none of the drive to act. My brain keeps making excuses for everything, and usually the excuse is money. I can’t work out because my wii sensor is broken so I can’t do my wii zumba and I can’t get a new sensor because I don’t have money. I can’t buy materials for photoshoots because I have no money. I can’t eat healthier because I have no money. And because I have no money, I have to work all the time as much as possible and if my boss asks me to pick up hours I have to say yes. And because I work all the time and am a full time student, I have no time to sleep, which pushes me back towards my depression, though it’s just the depressive thoughts and not feelings because of my medicine. Which makes me feel incredibly detached.
Being detached is a problem. It means I can’t commit to anything. Except apparently Minecraft, which surely is alluring right now because it’s a secondary world that acts as an escape to the stresses I’m currently facing. You know, the stresses that I can’t feel, I only can think about. I’m confusing myself just talking about this, but being tired, detached, stressed, and unhappy with my looks is exhausting.
That’s my end rant. I’m just tired and need some friends right now. It feels like I’m losing a lot of them.